


How to Get Away with Murder

by Azlyn



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: College, Dorms, Fluff and Humor, Gen, average night in detroit, phichit is the bane of yuuri's ability to get a good night's sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 03:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10528362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azlyn/pseuds/Azlyn
Summary: “So what you're telling me is that I could murder JJ in Antarctica, and the scientists would be none the wiser.”“That isn't what I said at all.”“Work with me, buddy.”“Go tosleep, Phichit.”Or: Phichit learns where he can commit the perfect crime, and Yuuri once again questions his life decisions.





	

“Yuuri, who lives in Antarctica?”

“Go to sleep, Phichit.”

“Like, do they have their own native language, or is it just a bunch of little villages that migrated from different countries speaking their own languages?”

“Phichit, please.”

A gasp. “Do they have cell service there? What about internet? Yuuri, what if they don't have internet?! How do they communicate with the outside world?”

“Oh my god, shut _up_.”

“That must be why I’ve never seen a selfie from Antarctica! What a tragic life, Yuuri, how do they survive?”

Yuuri groans into his pillow.

“Okay, but like, who’s even in charge there? Are there even laws? Or is it just a free-for-all? That's kind of terrifying.”

“I'm going to shove my sock in your mouth if you don't shut up, I swear to god, Phichit.”

“Um, ew? But Yuuri, like, what happens if you murder someone there? If there aren't laws or police then who's going to catch you? They should totally make a TV show. Pretty Little Liars On Ice. I would watch the _shit_ out of that.”

A deep sigh. “No one governs Antarctica, Phichit. A bunch of countries signed a treaty in the Cold War and it's just monitored by the international scientific community, basically.”

“So what you're telling me is that I could murder JJ in Antarctica, and the scientists would be none the wiser.”

“That isn't what I said at all.”

“Work with me, buddy.”

“Go to _sleep_ , Phichit.”

“Yuuri, I love you, and I'm a patient guy, but the homicidal urges lying beneath my adorable exterior can only be held back for so long. They might become... _misdirected_ , if you catch my drift.”

“I wonder if it's too late in the semester to request a room transfer. Is the student services desk still open at this hour?”

“Okay, okay, how about this. I _promise_ I'll go to sleep if you just give me the skinny on Antarctic criminal policy. Pretty please?”

There is a deep breath, then a prolonged _ugh_ muffled by a pillow.

“ _Fine._ What I'm telling you is that Antarctica operates under a system that relies on the peaceful cooperation of the international scientific community and its observers, and that no one country has any real jurisdiction outside of their individual research facilities.”

“...Okay, so...?”

“So, yes. You can technically murder JJ in Antarctica.”

"God bless. Thanks, Yuuri. Your weirdly expansive knowledge of obscure shit no one else cares about never ceases to dazzle me.”

“...Thanks, Phichit.”

“No problem, buddy.”

“Does this mean you'll finally shut up?”

“It sure does.”

Yuuri breathes out a prayer of thanks, rolling over.

Approximately three seconds of silence pass.

“Hey, _wait a minute_ , was Thailand included in this so-called treaty of yours? Why haven't I ever heard of this before?”

“Is the universe testing me?”

“This is some straight-up discrimination here, and I want answers, Yuuri!”

“Oh my god, I don't know, Phichit.”

“I'm Googling it right now. I cannot believe this shit.”

“I can't believe I agreed to room with you for the third year in a row.”

“I’m electing to ignore that comment. Aha! I knew it! Thailand isn't even on the list of countries that signed this treaty! I'm pretty sure that means I have legal indemnity there.”

“I'm pretty sure that's not how that works, at all.”

“Hey, what is this Pole of Inaccessibility? It that a challenge? Because I will murder JJ on that spot just to spite whoever was in charge of naming this.”

“What did JJ even do to you?”

“Oh. Well, if you really must know, he posted a rather… _unflattering_ picture of me on Twitter, and… it went on to become a meme. I will never forgive him. Capital punishment is the only way I can reclaim my dignity.”

“That's a little extreme.”

“I hardly think so. And now that I have an _ice_ -solated location for the deed—”

"Phichit.”

“—just-ice will finally be served.”

A door opens and closes.

“...Yuuri? Buddy? Hello? Did you leave? Am I alone now? Yuuri? Wait, come back! What's with the _cold_ shoulder? Haha, that was good. I mean— I'll shut up, I promise! I'm lonely and fragile, don't leave me! _Yuuri!_ ”


End file.
